This was an eagerly awaited fixture and in many ways lived up to expectation, that is, apart from the result! Crossbats assembled promptly and despite a last minute pull out were able to field a full team. The Rain Men were a delight to meet. A mixture of solicitors, barristers and some young blokes they had picked up on the way.

We got underway at 2.20pm, with the Rain Men opting to bat first, in a time game, mainly because they still had three missing in transit. Immediately, it seemed the rumours about the fragility of the opposition could be true, as they lost two wickets and made slow progress to 50. Crossbats skipper elected to hold back Dunbar and see how the game developed, however, after 18 overs of Ash and Gumbley it was time. A 5 wicket haul later The Rain Men were in some trouble with Duvivier left to polish off the tail. Now it was our turn.

Chasing 111 we made a complete hash of it. Four ducks and a spectacular 21 minute vigil as Spiro amassed 2 runs. We were in serious trouble. Jones played his usual anchor role in the lower order but this time it was not enough. The pressure was too much. The tension was unbearable. Needing just one run to win Gumbely skied a ball to deep fine leg. Caught. The Rain Men celebrated there fourth ever win in their history. Their scalp? Crossbats.

Back in the early 90’s Gareth Pocock and Dean Johnson amassed a total of over 300 against Yarl. Gareth hit a double century and Dean a century. Ever since then this fixture has been a high scoring affair and more often than not, we win at home and loose away. It was around 5 years ago when Dave Birch took us to our last away win, scoring a brisk lower order 30 or 40 to see us to victory.

Cricket should be played in blazing sunshine with the odd fluffy cloud in the sky and then sprinkled with tea, orange squash and sandwiches.  Today, we played in gale force winds, occasional driving rain and murky, dull, conditions. A late start reduced the game to a 30 over match with Crossbats winning the toss and electing to bat first. All the top order performed and Colliers sparkling 100 was a lesson in spanking a bad ball and set the tone for the batsmen eagerly waiting their turn. Our opposition fell apart in the field, numerous fielding errors and overthrows. Yarl are a Sri Lankan team and one can only guess at the things that were being said on the field in their native tongue. Not familiar with that language, one must assume looking at their faces, that they were not having a nice afternoon.

We set them a target of 200 and adjourned for a disappointingly “English” tea which lacked any spice. As the skies continued to darken Crossbats took to the field in a boisterous mood. Our fast bowling threesome of Fitch, Dunbar and Mparadzi did the trick with Reeve claiming a couple with his new loopy style bowling. The result was never in any doubt but Yarl did put up a valiant effort getting close to the target scoring 175 in 30 overs.

Not many games left now……..

This was meant to be an easy fixture. Last season when we played The Plums in July, we beat them convincingly and then did not win another game until October. Cries used to go around the changing room…….”Skip, can we play The Plums again, we need a win”

The warning signs were there when they arrived and a sea of unfamiliar faces presented themselves, some with the scary antipodean twang in their voice. Crossbats won the toss and elected to bat on a beautiful late summer September afternoon. A new batting order emerged with Reeve coming in at number three and Rapley at five. How would they fair? There are many similarities between cricket and baseball and some would say cricket and golf, Reeve perhaps forgot what game he was playing. The crowd were pleased; it was good entertainment as he chipped balls neatly into the open spaces on the green avoiding any fielders with some precision. Collier scratched around the other end with his mind, perhaps on the dinner party he had to attend that afternoon or his imminent move of house to a village just outside Wales. Whatever is was, he was soon out, bowled and back with his team mates relaxing in the deck chairs.  Reeve was now on the 17th hole and looking good. His next shot chipped one up a little too high back towards the 16th and was caught behind by his caddie. Rapley’s turn now. This did not take long -  “Out” caught behind, another duck cup contender.

A Carter/Wright, then a Wright/Fitch partnership of 90 (6th best partnership of season) followed and the runs started to flow.  Our strength today was our bowling so when we finished 194 after 35 overs we were pretty pleased, in fact, delighted.

Tea followed and The Plums seems surprised at the large spread of goodies and tucked in.

The opening batsmen for Plums seemed confident and started by smacking Lawrence to the boundary. Next over, Gumbley took his customary surprise wicket. If this was The Plums 2000 – 2005 team then that would have been it, game over. This team had a stronger spine and the next batsmen; in fact all 10 of them could hold a bat. Runs were coming at an alarming rate so it was time to summon Dunbar. First ball …WICKET, second ball WICKET, then add to this, next over a juicy LBW (Mr Kirk – more about that later) Despite this, the runs kept flowing and Plums were racing towards their target. Dropped catches by Birthday Boy Ash and a slow fall (pretend dive) by Spiro highlighted our fielding and then there was a moment of utter brilliance. The ball hit hard to deep mid on and both Spiro and Carter looked at each other hoping the other would go fetch. Spiro started off the chase in his slow jogging style whilst the batmen were sprinting their second. Carter reacted to this by speeding past Spiro, collecting the ball and hurling it in. The batsmen were meanwhile on their third run. DIRECT HIT!! From just inside the boundary, Carter had thrown the ball onto the stumps.   More wickets for Fitch, Lawrence and Dunbar continued to apply the pressure. This game could go either way. Last wicket.  Big LBW shout. The Plumb was plumb. Not out. Another BIGGER LBW shout. The Plum was plum again. OUT! We win, you lose, na na nana na.

This was a fun game. Spiced up by Mr Kirk’s dismissal, LBW to Dunbar. He threw his toys out of the pram in spectacular style and, after being dismissed, took an early shower. Meanwhile, Mrs Carter has just completed a marathon run from Brentford, home of The Mape’s, to Hampton Wick and was also in need of a shower. That’s where the two met and a rude exchange followed which left Mrs Carter fuming. No doubt Mr Kirk is a confirmed bachelor with his only solace a porn magazine and with no experience of dealing with feisty women.

Showered and refreshed Mrs Carter went off in search of Hubby and whilst hunting him down caught sight of the rude opposition cricketer. The verbal assault was intensive and included the words bald, idiot and cunt. Trouble was it was the wrong man. An innocent bystander caught by the wrath of Brentford. Who said cricket was dull?

1. Judging a Wide
(a) If the bowler bowls a ball, not being a No ball, the umpire shall adjudge it a Wide if, according to the definition in (b) below, in his opinion the ball passes wide of the striker where he is standing and would also have passed wide of him standing in a normal guard position.

(b) The ball will be considered as passing wide of the striker unless it is sufficiently within his reach for him to be able to hit it with his bat by means of a normal cricket stroke.

What is cheating? Not walking when you nick the ball? Tampering with the ball? Sledging to put the batsmen off? No, none of these. Giving "generous" WIDES when your team is chasing a big score. Yes, I would say that's taking the piss.

And so it was, on a hot muggy day, the game began. Playing on the main square Crossbats elected to bat first and make full use of the bar. Another day of contributions from the whole team, with the highlight being Dunbar's girlfriend in her new brilliant red hair, closely followed her man's power hitting display which included one huge 6 into the next door allotment and numerous 4's. At the other end Dunbar was accompanied by Jones. Playing, with his usual cunning, and a firm eye on his average of 139.5, perhaps it was not a surprise, when he elected to "leave" the last ball of the innings........

NPL had to chase 194 and clearly had the team to do the job. A mixture of league players, 2nd's and 3rd's. After the first calamitous over and 3 catches going down to Lawrence, Crossbats composed themselves on the job in hand. NPL had the assistance of 47 extras (17 "wides") and they gradually closed in on the target.  Tight control on the game was maintained with accurate bowling from Jones and Dunbar. The last 5 overs were a tense affair with everyone on the boundary but NPL had left it too late and with a final accurate over from Fitch it was all over....with just 8 runs in it!

"I would prefer to suck cock" these are the words spluttered by Spiro as the day began. An outburst brought on by the tedious task of putting up the perimeter nets at Moormead. Not just a tedious task, a dangerous one. For those of you unaware, the job entails putting metal poles into their various holes which can be found on the boundary of the field. Locating the hole involves some detective work  as they are covered in grass, mud and dog shit. The holes themselves are full of old stagnant rain water and dog urine. Pushing the metal pole in, should be done with extreme caution. Despite 20 years experience and perhaps having not put anything else into a hole in the last two years Spiro could not hold back and pushed to hard. Result: Dirty piss ridden water shooting out of the hole and covering Spiro's face. His day was not going to get better.

Yes, we were back at the old ground for the last two games of the season!

We fielded first in a monsoon. It was miserable. The ball was like soap the ground was slippery and dangerous crater holes could be found in the outfield. Despite this, Ash bowled his best performance and Collier pulled off a hatrick, thanks partly to Carters beer belly. What a strange sound, leather on flabby skin is. We did well and held them down to 175 runs which considering Strongroom were half our age and also playing a Nigerian international player - was not bad!

When it came to batting it's perhaps best we do not dwell on the abject display. Pretty flimsy. Disappointing after such a good season but it did at least include a personal best from Steve Smith of 11. A day of injuries as we hobble to the final game.....and here, for the record I list them. Rapley, broken finger. Lawrence, bad knee. Gumbley, hamstring. Spiro, still retching. Carter, eyesight gone. Next week we have the last game and end of season bash. Will we finish on a high?