NICKNAME

T.M

Umpire.

T.M was made for touring.  The sheer dedication to the club led him, after a devastating shoulder injury to train (at his own time and expense!) to become an umpire just so that he could take to the field once more with his beloved team mates in the Saturday II's.  As if this gesture of loyalty and affection was not enough he also took on the mantle of Tour Manager and has been instrumental in the organization of some classic moments in Crossbats history.  If all that was not enough he also dedicates some of his rare and valuable time to assisting Alistair in caring for his boat ...again with no other motive other than to see other people having fun.  T.M never loses his cool and can always be heard being jovial to hotel employees and taxi drivers and having a laugh over the little mix ups that a tour manager often has to handle on tour.

AGE

Younger than Alan Carter

HEIGHT

About the same as Twisty

FAVOURITE DRINK

Anything with an umbrella in it

FAVOURITE FOOD

Chicken Madras  

SMOKER/ NONSMOKER

Happiness is a cigar named Hamlet

IAN LEVENE

MARITAL STATUS

DSS (Divorced Single and Separated)

NICKNAME

Arse

Bats where he likes/ 'bowls' when he likes/ stands where gully would normally be.... i.e. the Captain.

Predominately a batsman (unless the opposition have any spin bowlers) who has found form since    relinquishing the role of club chairman and recovering from his club foot.  Almost turns his arm over and is useful in surprising well set batsmen out of their wicket.  He favors the late decision technique with regard to the batting order...a process which normally takes place in a secret location in the early hours of match day morning in conjunction with his advisors Mr Bull, Mr Vodka and Mr Red.

AGE

38

HEIGHT

5' 11”

FAVOURITE DRINK

Lager

FAVOURITE FOOD

Anything

SMOKER/ NONSMOKER

Used to be a sociable smoker but now hides a pack of ten in  his box

ALISTAIR WRIGHT

MARITAL STATUS

Married

NICKNAME

Pads

Wicketkeeper/ Batsman.

Pads is an instinctive player, an attribute particularly useful as he normally takes to the field without his glasses.  Behind the stumps he is athleticism personified, fearlessly throwing himself around with complete disregard to personal injury.  With a bat in his hand he is a dangerous character with a distinctive cleaving technique...his running between the wickets has to be seen to be believed.  Pads is by far the most intellectual and sophisticated member of the team unless of course he is found cavorting with his best friends Messer's Lager and Chaser  .

AGE

Too risky to reveal

HEIGHT

Says he's 6' 2"

FAVOURITE DRINK

Rock Shandy

FAVOURITE FOOD

Human Beings

SMOKER/ NONSMOKER

Smoker...but always leaves his pack of ten in the car

MARK RAPLEY

MARITAL STATUS

Single (but does like the odd dinner party)

NICKNAME

Arse

Bowler/sometimes Batsman/Seldom fielder.

An all round player and getting rounder all the time.  Bob brings some very useful medium pace to the team and occasionally has been known to make contact when swinging the bat but more importantly brings Jonnie Cabs to the Turks head at closing time on a Saturday night.

AGE

Difficult to say 

HEIGHT

5' 6”

FAVOURITE DRINK

Lager

FAVOURITE FOOD

Curry

SMOKER/ NONSMOKER

Only smokes other peoples

BOB JONES

What Twisty lacks in height he more than makes up for in volume.  He can be constantly heard encouraging his team mates on with comments like "Tamsin's soapy tit F**k and do you like chicken?  He has good batting technique, bowls a nice line and length and sings AC/DC songs to pads when he is in the slips.  He is without doubt the most flatulent member the club has ever known being referred to in the past as a one man chemistry set.  Although not a regular member of the team anymore his presence leaves a lasting impression especially with anyone who is lucky enough to have him as a roomie.

QUENTIN McGUBBIN

Lips brings style and text book technique to rehearsing the perfect stroke.  Should this ever be executed in tandem with the ball his place in the top order will be assured.  On the field he is master of the champagne moment while off the field he has champagne tastes but only beer money.  He has recently added some useful right arm mixed bag around the wicket and looks to become a very rounded player in the future.

SIMON REEVE

Nosher is the tactician of the team.  He has vast experience and is well traveled and will often be called upon by the skipper at crucial moments in the game. The tactical twist often employed after such a mid wicket conference is often compared to the military genius of a World War One General.  Nosher is capable of a long innings...wearing down the opposition into a draw but is completely the opposite during the after match festivities where he loves to share his colourful and interesting stories with everybody late into the evening and beyond.  Although Nosher is a fairly new member of the team he is already a core member, involved at committee level off the pitch and looking almost certain to be in the trophies for endeavors on it.

JASON KIRKWOOD

The Ultimate All Rounder.

Dave is the teams secret weapon.  Not much is known about him and any enquiries into his personal or professional life are generally greeted with a polite "I am sorry I can't tell you that or else I will have to kill you".  On the field though his talents can not be hidden and he is capable of performing any task the captain should request.  As well as his natural talents he has exceptional stamina putting most of the rest of the team to shame.  Dave is always alert and can spot a bad pint of beer at 22yards across a crowded bar.   

DAVID BIRCH M.B.E

Batsman/Bowler/Long leg.

Rags has a sound batting technique although sometimes needs coaxing out of his favourite no.9 spot by the skipper.  It is refreshing to see the fatherly approach Alistair has towards him before a game using all his powers of persuasion to try and get his confidence up to bat a little higher ....sometimes sadly to no avail.  Rags with the ball in his hand is another kettle of fish!  Short stuff, yorkers, cutters, swing, the lot, all delivered with a unique shuffle that distracts even the most experienced batsman and even the occasional umpire!  Even though compared to many of the team, Rags could be construed as the club actually implementing its youth policy, he is in fact already a veteran of many a tour and comes to the Saturday II's via Franks team .......so even though he hasn't yet become bitter and twisted he is already scared for life......Rags has a mate who is called Jim... but he has got a girlfriend now!

SIMON FITCH

Batsman/Bowler/Fielder.

If ever there was a candidate for the Dark Horse of the Team award this is your man.  At first glance John appears to be a model of sobriety and maturity but nestling below those sophisticated grey highlights is a shady character.  His effect on the opposite sex is devastating, many have never recovered from his attentions, one took to streaking in a desperate cry for his attention, another simply gave up and became a nun.  On the field his calm demeanor often lulls batsman into a false sense of security, the venom and unplayable swing of his bowling often taking  them by surprise.  At the crease he is one of the straighter crossbatters...he is Australian!!

JOHN GUMBLY

The odds are that Clive is the best all rounder in the team.  As a batsman he can wield the willow with prolific effect or he can put on the long left pad and reduce the bowling attack to tears.  Between the wickets his economical running style can occasionally lead to some colourful conversation over tea.  Clive certainly has the most fearsome grunt of all the team, something many an opposition batsman and the odd long off will testify to.  A man of some mystery his hobbies are believed to include spread betting and spread beating, loses in the former and gains to the latter are considered a good bet.  Clive has recently purchased a sports car and is coming on his first overseas tour but is not having a mid life crisis.

CLIVE LAWRENCE

Jim has reached that age where unlike his longtime friend Rags he has realised that girls may not be sugar and spice and all things nice but may be devils and demons, slags and whores....all though he is still not 100 per cent sure...a decision which some of the more philosophical members of the team are trying to help him with.  Jim has good batting technique and is nos tanger to having a ball in his hand although going up a league to play for the Saturday II's sometimes plays on his confidence.  Off the field Jim has no confidence problem whether it be showing everyone how to drink or is giving the girls a brown eyed wink....Jim is the pin up of the team.

JIM SEELEY

NICKNAME

Unknown

Although Pat will not be contributing on the field he will be adopting the roll of 'Tour Ambassador'.  In the unlikely event that any one should need to 'liase' with any other tourists or any of the local officials he will be able to call upon his wealth of experience and tactful diplomacy to alleviate any misunderstandings or prevent any 'situations' from occurring. Initially it was queried that Pat may not feel comfortable in the presence of some of the established members but when confronted on this point he is quoted as saying "its ok I am from Brighton I am used to hanging around with poofs".  Pat is a builder by trade but this does not mean he is at all dodgy, his past occupations are a testament to this. Some of the more respectable positions he has held include: Bouncer, Night Club Owner, Amateur Kick Boxer and Boxing Promoter.  Pat comes from a big family .... some of them still live in Sicily.

AGE

He is 40 something and his girlfriend is 19

HEIGHT

Taller than you think

FAVOURITE DRINK

Stewed tea with 6 sugars (mornings only)....Lager (at all other times)

FAVOURITE FOOD

Concrete

SMOKER/ NONSMOKER

Reformed

PATRICK SCANNEL

MARITAL STATUS

He is 'between wives' at the moment